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Managing a difficult pregnancy

Managing a Difficult Pregnancy

FAM, pregnancy By October 2, 2011 Tags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

Some women breeze through pregnancies with no trouble at all, or at least they weather the symptoms with few complaints. Some women, however, have a harder time of it. There are many reasons why you could have a difficult pregnancy (as in, one rife with negative stuff), such as twins or other physical issues, but doctors honestly don’t know what a lot of them are! Regardless of the why, here are some tips on the how of managing a difficult pregnancy.

Morning Sickness…Afternoon Sickness…Night Sickness…

Most of us experienced some nausea during our pregnancies; I know during my first, with my daughter, I felt like I was carsick all the time: completely and utterly miserable, the idea of food gagged me…but I couldn’t actually vomit, which might have brought on some relief. The only thing I could manage to eat were baked potatoes, with nothing on them but a little sour cream. Then, I hit the second trimester and it changed overnight, and I could eat whatever I wanted…and I did. With my sons, I had nothing but a little nausea, nothing serious. However, some women have a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum, where they can’t choke anything down for extended times, and it can extend throughout the pregnancy. This can be dangerous, because your body and that growing baby need lots of fluids and nutrients, and persistent nausea can mess with your electrolyte levels, leading to serious complications. How to deal with it?

See your doctor. He or she will probably try to let the nausea run its course for a little while, but if you’re unable to keep fluids down, persist and don’t let the doc blow off your symptoms. They will have to put you on IV fluids and nutrients for a little while, and may prescribe antiemetic drugs to see if that reduces the vomiting. Hyperemesis gravidarum usually resolves itself by 20 weeks.

Premature Labor

Some babies just want to come out early. Perhaps you have twins, or an “incompetent cervix” or are just prone too pre-term labor. You get confined to bedrest, maybe only a few months into your pregnancy. What do you do?

Keep busy, and obey the doctor. I know from experience, bedrest sucks. Sure, you think at first enforced naptime is awesome, but then the cabin fever sets in. You may get uncomfortable if you’re further along or carrying twins (amazing how lying down can cause the back and hips to ache). You begin randomly Googling your condition, then move on to the topic of problems in pregnancy, then into the scary realm of birth defects and such…and then you’re freaked out. The only thing to do is to give yourself something constructive to do.

  • Write, read, sketch, try to work from home if you have that option.
  • Limit your internet usage—ban sites on pregnancy and anything health-related.
  • Do exercises for the bed-bound (approved by the doctor, of course), such as leg lifts, ankle circles, bicep curls, etc., to keep busy and keep fit.
  • Pick up a new hobby that keeps your hands busy: cross-stitching, knitting, and crocheting are excellent; puzzles; you can even try your hand at making models, which your hubby and boy children would love to help with.
  • Play games: keep your phone and laptop handy for solo gaming; invest in a deck of cards, a set of dominoes, and some board games to play with your family.
  • Watch movies and TV—but try to keep it lighthearted.

Body Freak-Outs

This is a catch-all category that encompasses all manner of difficulties, such as:

Hemorrhoids

  • Try to be careful when you go to the bathroom, meaning, don’t strain.
  • Sit on a pillow (yes, you may need to invest in one of those donut pillows; all the moms will understand
  • Sitz baths, hemorrhoid creams, and witch hazel soaked pads are all tremendous reliefs
  • Lie on your left side with a pillow between your knees, or sit leaning to one side or the other, not directly on your rear end.

Acid Indigestion/Gas/Heartburn/Constipation

  • It sounds like a simplistic suggestion, but it’s the most effective: don’t eat spicy foods or those that can cause indigestion, like too much citrus or acidic stuff like tomatoes or onions. Some women find that milk products aggravate their indigestion, too.
  • For gas and indigestion, avoid too many high-fiber foods that may cause bloat and gas, such as broccoli and whole grain cereals, although these are good for helping with constipation.
  • Don’t eat at night. When you eat and lie down acid can easily escape the stomach, owing to the hormones your body is secreting to relax your connective tissues.
  • Take OTC remedies like Tums, which also give much-needed calcium
  • Lie on your left side with a pillow between your knees. This not only improves circulation, it also helps with digestion.
  • Lie on your back but with a pillow in the small of your back, propped up, so the excess acid doesn’t have the opportunity to use a prone position to creep up your esophagus.
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How to Defuse Sibling Rivalry

How to Defuse Sibling Rivalry

FAM, kids By October 2, 2011 Tags: , 1 Comment

“He took my toy!”

“She pulled my hair!”

“I hate the baby! Can you please put her back?”

The cries echo through your home, each syllable grating on your nerves. At first, you try to be sweetly reasonable…but as the fighting, bickering, and whining continues and actually escalates, you not only get more shrill and unreasonable in your replies, you start seriously wondering WHY you had more than one child in the first place. If you’re dealing with an older child and a newborn addition to the family, it can be heartbreaking: they loved the baby when he or she was in your tummy and right after you brought the little bundle home. Now, once the older child has started realizing their “mommy time” has been effectively reduced, the green-eyed monster of jealously rears its ugly head.

So how do you defuse sibling rivalry?!

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The mistakes new moms of twins often make

baby, FAM By September 30, 2011 Tags: , , , , 2 Comments

If you’re like me, when you found out you were having twins, it was both a complete shock and a major adjustment to your life. My family size went from a comfort 4 (mommy, daddy, daughter, son) to a very crazy and gender-unbalanced 6 (mommy, daddy, daughter, 3 sons). But aside from that adjustment, I made so many mistakes as a mom of twins it’s not even funny. Although I had 2 kids already, I flubbed it by not thinking how different twins would actually be. So please, listen up and practice what I didn’t preach, it’ll save you time and many gray hairs!

The mistakes new moms of twins often make:

1. Not having enough stuff. When you find out you’re blessed with twins or even more, start stockpiling. Seriously. Diapers, wipes, formula, clothes, equipment…whatever. Even if the diapers and clothes are too big, take them, because your babies will grow and they will fit eventually. Shop in bulk. Go in on package deals with friends and family. Believe me, you’ll need it all. Having plenty means an immeasurable amount of peace of mind, and that’s priceless.

2. Skipping naptime. No, not baby naptime–your naptime! You need to be sleeping when they’re sleeping. Heck, sleep when they’re awake if you can! If you’re nursing, it’s especially important, because milk supply is adversely affected by poor sleep habits and stress.

3. Not having the right equipment. You may think you can skip the twin stroller, but you’re wrong. You need it. Also, make sure you have the right kind. If you can afford it, get 2: one side-by-side for wide-open spaces like for taking walks outside, and one tandem for things like shopping, where your space and maneuverability is limited. Sometimes you’ll have to take the babies out alone, and you’ve never been through the hell that is having to hold one twin while trying to drive the other in a regular stroller. NOT recommended.

4. Getting your babies confused. I confess, I didn’t have this problem that often, as far as confusing them with each other, since my boys are fraternal. However, I DID get confused, constantly, about who’d been recently changed, who was nursing when, etc. I ended up doing things like carrying around a washable marker, which I used to dab a little mark on the foot or hand of the twin that had recently been fed or whatnot. I also used the same tactic with my own breasts…juggling two boys on opposite schedules, I forgot which breast had been nursed from last…ack.

5. Being nitpicky and obsessed with perfection. Face it: your house will get dirty. The laundry will go un-folded, the dust will accumulate. Let go of your OCD-based standards, especially if you have older kids adding to the chaos. Embrace reality: your house doesn’t need to be a fashion plate. What can’t be postponed is your twins’ childhood. They’ll only be tiny for so long. Cherish every moment, which is so much more important than keeping your drapes dust-free!

6. Forgetting about yourself. What I mean is, you’re not just a mom of twins or whatever. You’re a woman, you’re YOU. Take some time to remember that. Take off the spit-up encrusted shirt and shower. Put on something pretty, even if it’s just to lay on the couch. I recommend asking hubby for a nice silk bathrobe, a short one, the kind that makes you feel like a princess…or a geisha…whenever you wear it. Shower. Brush your teeth and hair. Take a walk, see the sky, have a meal that doesn’t involve “here comes the train!” or sterilizing bottles.

7. Not getting support. This is a broad one. At home, get as much support as possible, from friends, family, neighbors, whatever. Accept any and all offers to cook, clean, carpool, it doesn’t matter. It also means, seek shelter and advice from other moms in your position. Twin resources abound, and other proud twin moms love to support each other and share their experiences and advice.

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How to Get Your Groove Back

FAM, self By September 30, 2011 Tags: , , , No Comments

I know. It’s late, you’re tired, you’re wearing scruffy old clothes..heck, you may even smell funny, because you’ve been postponing your shower since “something” always comes up at the last minute. Bed is looking mighty fine. The quiet time after your kids have finally conked out…priceless. As you head for the pillow, you feel something akin to joy at the idea of being vertical for a while. Then you look at your dear husband and you see the “come hither” look in his eyes. First thing that crosses your mind: “Is is insane??” Second thing: “Oh, no.” In roll the excuses, ranging from a fake headache (or a real one) to your stinkiness. But why?

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VIP Mom: Catherine Connors, Her Bad Mother

FAM, self By September 26, 2011 Tags: , No Comments

Catherine is a mother, writer and recovering academic who recently contributed to Canada’s brain drain by relocating to New York City. She’s the Director of Community and Social Good at Babble, the author of HerBadMother.com and a freelance writer who writes, sometimes, about surviving motherhood, sometimes about surviving womanhood, sometimes about trying to make the world a better place, and more often than not about her belief that bad is, really, the new good. (She really does believe that bad is the new good. She wrote a Manifesto. She’s that committed.)

One of the hottest tickets to get in Toronto this fall is for BlissDom ’11 (it sold out in 45 minutes) and of course, Catherine brought it to Canada from it’s US roots.  She approached Barbara Jones a few years ago about throwing a social media conference for women in Canada. We plotted for some months before she said, ‘you know, why don’t we just make this a Blissdom conference?’ I thought that was an awesome idea, and the rest is history 😉

According to Catherine, it is important to have a BlissDom conference in Canada because there’s a large and dynamic community in Canada of women who are deeply engaged with social media, and there hasn’t historically been any place for them to network and build community. There have been social media conferences and events for women in the US since 2005, and those are all great events, but Canadian women want and need, I think, a place where they can approach these conversations as Canadian women.

Tidbits on Catherine:

Favourite place to travel:  1.  back home to British Columbia to visit my family.  2.  New York City (which will soon become home, so I will have to find a new number 2 ;))

Cannot-live-without gadget: iPhone

Go-to ‘Mom’ attire: When I’m working at home: yoga pants, white t-shirts and Toms shoes. When I’m working out of the offices in New York: not yoga pants

Favourite kid-friendly dinner to make: Mac and cheese

I’m reading: Lev Grossman’s The Magician King

My kids are reading: Eloise

My kid’s birthday party this year will involve: New friends in New York City and a cake shaped like ‘the lady statue’ (Statue of Liberty), in honor of our new home.

In Catherine’s spare time, she practices talking about herself in the third person. She’s getting pretty good at it.

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development milestones

Developmental Milestones: When To Be Concerned

baby, FAM By September 15, 2011 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , No Comments

So, you did it: you produced a baby. You’re understandably pleased, and you think your baby is just perfect. You rejoice in the little fingers and toes, you gurgle over every detail about him or her. You think—no, you know—that you have the smartest, most beautiful child on earth. Then, you go to the doctor for a checkup, and they tell you the baby is behind in some developmental milestone.

Perhaps she’s not long enough, or her weight is less than expected. Maybe he’s not holding his head up yet, or rolling over like the books say he should be by his age. There are a zillion things the doc can tell you at those appointments, and those developmental milestones are important, but they’re also not set in stone. Consider them developmental milestone suggestions. There are, however, some that are very important and delaying attention when these milestones aren’t reached can delay treatment that could benefit your child, should there be some kind of physical or physiological problem present.

What do you do? Do you panic? Do you shrug it off? Most doctors will tell you what things you can relax about and which you should concern yourself over, but here is some information to have in advance, to save yourself the stress if you find yourself on the receiving end of this distressing news.

1. Don’t stress out. The charts and lists of events and when they “should” happen are averages—some children reach milestones sooner than others, and some later. For instance, if your baby is a little chubby bunny, he may not roll over or walk as soon as, say, your girlfriend’s lithe little lady of the same age.  As long as the baby is healthy, according to the pediatrician, you shouldn’t be worried, even if they’re a little above or below where the charts say they “should” be.

2. Understand the Differences. One thing about those charts is that they’re not sex-differentiated, but gender does make a difference in some things. Ask your doctor and they’ll tell you. For example, girls tend to talk sooner. Go figure on that one!

3. Know the Important Milestones and Keep An Eye On Your Baby. There are some items that need to be observed carefully, though. If your baby isn’t lifting his or her head by six months, or hasn’t rolled over, or doesn’t respond to visual or audible stimuli, you need to have that investigated. It’s one thing to be a little chubby—it’s another altogether to miss major gross and fine motor milestones.

If your baby hasn’t reached these milestones by six months, see your pediatrician immediately:

  • not responsive to sounds by 6 weeks
  • has a “permanent fist” (is not opening his or her hands) by six weeks
  • not focusing on objects or following them with his or her eyes by three months
  • not smiling by age three months
  • not sitting up (supported) by six months
  • not babbling (making nonsense sounds and purposeful vocalizations) by 6 months
  • has a persistent squint

If your baby hasn’t reached these milestones by a year, see your pediatrician immediately:

  • not sitting up (supported) by six months
  • not sitting up unsupported at nine months
  • demonstrates hand preference (right versus left)  at twelve months
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The Baby Blues vs. PostPartum Depression – How to Tell the Difference

FAM, health By September 15, 2011 Tags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

After birth, every woman feels…well, a bit out of sorts. There are all kinds of changes going on in your body, there are emotional, mental, and physical stressors everywhere…it’s a difficult time. Practically every new mom experiences some version of the “baby blues,” a normal reaction to the chemical and emotional soup that has become your bloodstream and all the stuff that’s going on around her, but some actually find that their baby blues slip into something more serious: post-partum depression. What’s the difference between the two, and when do you know you need help?

“The Baby Blues”

Depression after Delivery, which is a US postpartum depression support organization, saying that “baby blues is a biological response to a woman’s rapidly changing hormone levels after pregnancy. Symptoms include tearfulness, irritability, impatience, restlessness, and anxiety.” Yeah, tell me about it! A new baby’s arrival brings a disjointed schedule, a sore and changing body, and lots of crying—and then there’s the baby itself to consider! Everyone is allowed some leeway here: no human being is impervious to these things. The baby blues hits around 50-75% of new moms in the weeks after birth, and there’s no shame in it.

Baby Blues Symptoms:

(Source: Postpartum Support International):

Physical Symptoms:

  • Lack of sleep
  • No energy
  • Food cravings or loss of appetite
  • Feeling tired even after sleeping

Mental States:

  • Anxiety and excessive worry
  • Confusion
  • Great concern over physical changes
  • Confusion and nervousness
  • Feeling, “I’m not myself; this isn’t me”
  • Lack of confidence
  • Sadness
  • Feeling overwhelmed

Behavioral Reactions:

  • Crying more than usual
  • Hyperactivity or excitability
  • Over sensitivity
  • Feelings hurt easily
  • Irritability
  • Lack of feeling for the baby

Post-Partum Depression

However, post-partum depression is a different thing altogether. This is a clinical condition that is the baby blues multiplied. Women with PPD find they feel hopeless, doubtful, exhausted yet unable to sleep, they have mood swings, violent thoughts (of hurting themselves and others, including their babies), and a feeling of being disconnected or disjointed from life. If you find yourself constantly angry, sad, and depressed after the first couple of weeks, you may need some help from a professional—and there’s no shame in it.

Post Partum Depression Symptoms

(Source: Postpartum Support International):

Physical Symptoms:

  • Headaches
  • Numbness, tingling in limbs
  • Chest pains, heart palpitations
  • Hyperventilating

Mental States:

  • Despondency or despair
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Inability to cope
  • Hopelessness
  • Over concern for baby’s health
  • Impaired concentration or memory
  • Loss of normal interests
  • Thoughts of suicide
  • Bizarre or strange thoughts

Behavioral Reactions:

  • Extreme behavior
  • Panic attacks
  • Hostility
  • New fears or phobias
  • Hallucinations
  • Nightmares
  • Extreme guilt
  • No feelings for baby
  • Over concern for baby
  • Feeling “out of control”
  • Feeling like “you are going crazy”

Seek help first from your OB/GYN or family doctor, who will likely run some blood tests to rule out physical causes of your problems, like a thyroid disorder, which can produce many of the symptoms of PPD and is often present after pregnancy and childbirth. If he or she diagnoses you with PPD, you may need some therapy, a course of antidepressants, and a lot of help remembering how to love and nurture yourself.

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Favouritism

Favouritism: Are You Guilty…And What To Do About It

FAM, kids By September 15, 2011 Tags: , , , No Comments

Have you ever looked at your children and realized that you have a “favourite”? It’s a sobering moment. As parents, we’re not supposed to have favourites…right? We love our kids equally. Favouritism is ugly and can cause major resentment and family problems…but it’s real. Thousands of families deal with it every day.

I realized I had a favorite a little while back, and I have been battling it ever since. Don’t get me wrong—I don’t love that child more than my others. What it’s about with me is that my “favorite” has two things going for him: he’s the only one who looks anything like me, including my brown eyes (all my other kids have their dad’s baby blues); and…well, he’s also, hands-down, the best behaved and has the sweetest temperament of all my beautiful offspring. He’s one of those kids everyone loves effortlessly. He’s biddable and smart and funny and helpful…and he’s liberal with his “Mommy, you’re so beautiful” compliments and such. It’s hard not to favor him, especially when his brothers and sister are often the antithesis of helpful and biddable in terms of their behavior.

I especially have problems with my eldest son, whose dyslexia, ADHD and general assertive personality; he gets into trouble a lot, often without even trying. He’s so smart he is always looking for things to do, and when he does this, trouble finds him. See the potential for trouble here? Many families have the same problem: they have a black sheep and a golden child.

I know I also let the “favorite” get away with more than the others. I know I’m not as hard on him, and I give him more leeway and more privileges at times. I also know it’s not healthy for the other kids, and so totally unfair. So I undertook to rectify this problem, and here is what I found was effective in leveling the playing field of favoritism.

1. Acknowledge the Problem. In order to deal with something, you have to acknowledge there’s a problem in the first place. Start examining your behavior. When your kids complain you’re being unfair, listen to them instead of dismissing them—maybe they’re right! Watch yourself.

2. Stop and Think Before Speaking and Acting. This is a good rule of thumb in general for life; it’ll keep you out of trouble in other areas, too! Perhaps your “black sheep” child did something great, but you’re still irritated about him or her messing up before that, so you’re about the dismiss the good thing. STOP!! Forget the past: concentrate on the present, and give the child the acknowledgement they deserve. Before you dismiss your “golden child’s” misbehavior based on his/her past good deeds, STOP!! They need to learn consequences for their behavior, too. Try to be as fair as possible.

3. Realize Where Bad Behavior Could Be Coming From. Have you ever heard of the phrase, “Bad breath is better than no breath at all?” It’s a true one: many kids “act out” or misbehave because they’re seeking attention of some kind—any kind! Pre-empt this kind of behavior by giving them attention, love, and time before you’re forced into a position to punish.

4. Spend time with the kids individually. Do something with each one alone, where you can appreciate them, instead of against the backdrop of the larger family dynamic.

5. Write Things Down. This may sound hokey, but it is invaluable. Write a letter to someone, anyone, talking about your “problem child”, but not about their negatives: emphasize the great things. Extol their virtues. You don’t have to mail the letter, but pour out your heart. Re-awaken the love and approval.

6. Apologize. If you catch yourself exercising favoritism, stop and apologize. No one should be above apologizing when they’re wrong about something. Allow your kids to see you’re fallible and also that you’re mature enough to acknowledge when you’re wrong.

This is by no means a perfect solution, but they are some practical steps you can take to break the habit of favoritism. Do yourself and your kids a favor and address the issue today, before it causes irreparable harm in your family.

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