Dear Beauty Industry,

Have you ever heard of a sh*t sandwich? It’s a way of giving crappy news to someone “sandwiched” between two nice statements. You butter people up, knock them down, and then give a second positive statement to take the sting out of things.

I am 38 years old and the mother of three ‘spirited’ boys.  Last Saturday, by some miracle, everyone split in different directions and I had three full hours to myself.  I started to do laundry and then in a moment of rare spontaneity I jumped in our minivan with a massive smile on my face – I was going to the city to get beautified.

First stop pedicure.

First comment from the pedicurist:  “You need to take better care of your feet.  You need to come see me more often.  Why are you feet so rough?”

Why are my feet so rough?  Well, it has been pouring rain all winter and I trail run at least 3 times a week. My feet get super wet and then as soon as I get home I have time for a two minute shower before I am needed by four people (3 little and 1 big – the husband). So no, I don’t have time to soak my feet in warm water for 15 minutes and then gently rub them with a pumice stone.  And BTW if I did attempt this, inevitably the bucket of water would become a highly sought after object that all three boys would also want to be using, a fight would breakout between them, the bucket would be dumped over and at least two of them would end up in a time-out.

Second comment from the pedicurist:  “Next time you come here, you must make an appointment with me to take care of your eyebrows. They are too thick; not sexy.”

Why are my eyebrows so thick?  Well, I don’t have time to get them threaded very often so when I Googled ‘Eyebrow Trends’ and headlines such as ‘Thick Eyebrows on Trend for 2016’ and ‘Mannish Eyebrows In Style’ popped up – accompanied by gorgeous pictures of supermodels like Cara Delevingne – easy peasy I thought, my eyebrows are naturally thick so I’ll just leave them. Trend = check.  Apparently not… I guess I should have clicked past the headline and read down to realize that thick doesn’t mean not shaped 😉

Second stop face cream.

First Comment:  “You skin is very dry and dehydrated, you need to drink more water and get more sleep.”

No guff, lady.  Of course I need more sleep, and yes I should drink more water, but because I am so tired, I keep drinking more coffee!

Let’s address the sleep. I work full time and currently there are eight extracurricular activities between all five of us.  On a good week, I got it. I can stay on top of work, make meals, clean the house, grocery shop and shuffle kids between school, sports, play dates, birthday parties, dentist appointments, etc… but a week never is that seamless.  Last week I had to sleep sitting upright while holding my youngest because he had croup, the week before it was a total barf-fest at our house, the week before that a trip to emergency because of a rather large cut on a thumb…

So back to my original point, YES I am tired and dehydrated, my feet are not soft and flawless and my eyebrows need a little work… BUT I have money, and when I get those brief moments when I am without kids and want to spend it, YOU beauty industry have to do a better job of selling to me.

Try this:

‘I can tell by looking at your feet that you are very active, that is great that you are so healthy. I know how hard it is to take care of everything yourself, so when you get the time, come to me and I will take that off your plate.”

Or This:

‘You have beautiful tones to your skin, and a lovely sprinkling of freckles across your nose.  If you want to enhance your natural glow try this double serum.”

It is called a sh*t sandwich.  Use it.

Jill Kenney is mom of 3, wife of 1 and PR geek from Canada. You can find her on Instagram.