Wide open

To all the women who say these words…
Please know that it wasn’t your fault.
It wasn’t your faulty body.
It wasn’t your faulty mind.
It wasn’t that you lacked will power.
It just wasn’t a normal labour.
No guilt or blame.
It just wasn’t a normal labour.

If you were surrounded by loving, caring people.
If you did the best you could, but the birth still shook you to your core.
If it was long and hard and unfathomable and didn’t feel right…
there is usually a simple explanation.
Something just wasn’t quite right.
It didn’t have to be something big.
It could have been a sweet pair of hands by the baby’s face,
or a head tilted to one side,
or facing out a hip,
or looking upwards.
Just bad luck on a big day.

This is the baby who didn’t get the memo
about optimal positioning for birth.

Picture the baby who will come out simply and easily.
She’s tucking her head down on her chest,
facing mum’s bum,
has her hands in her pockets,
and is going to win the Olympic gold medal for the skeleton competition in 2030.
She’s aerodynamic, flexible, adaptable,
and able to negotiate all turns with the grace of a pro.

She’s lucky
born in the bathtub,
with her mum laughing.

Don’t be hard on those babies who didn’t get the memo,
those babies whose mums made those scary comments after the first birth.
These babies will never follow the crowd.
They’ll be fiery and challenging, but totally brilliant (that’s my girl!)
They’re the ones who create great architecture, great music.
They are born with these passions tucked deep inside.
(Or maybe that’s just me trying to put a positive spin on a difficult labour.)

The posterior/transverse/deflexed/asynclitic/compound presentation baby
tries to negotiate the birth canal
like a pine tree on the edge of a wind-swept cliff edge.
Bent, twisted.
He faces the hip, or faces forward, chin up, whatever the consequence.
This is not a birth for the faint of heart.
This is a warrior’s birth.

So, when a woman calls to tell me about her first birth,
that long, epic first birth,
the one that she never thought would end,
and says that she can’t ever do it again…

I ask her to thank her first baby for all the work that he or she has done.
We must not worry him or blame her.
First births are unrelenting in their demands,
because that is what is needed for us to be the best mothers to our children.
I remind her of her strength, her courage, her power as a mother.

She must have been a warrior to make it through
and out the other side.
She needs to know that it can be different,
oh, so different the next time.
I, too, have made it through that kind of a birth
then danced in the shower with my second.

She is not alone.

And, like Katie, she may choose to have her next baby at home, with the fan on, in the summer.

And, like Jasmine, she may not actually believe she’s in labour until it’s almost too late for a car ride, and then pant and blow through the tunnel to the hospital, and have the baby quickly on the other side.

And, like Lisa, she may find herself doing the “buzzard lope” around the house, and only get on a bed for the last few minutes of a beautiful labour.

And, like Trish, she may choose to have a vaginal birth after cesarean on her living room floor, while the trees blow outside.

And, like Shelley, she may not believe that her second birth could actually be easy until the last minute, and give birth standing up in the hospital bath-tub, then order baby back ribs for dinner.

She is not alone.
She can do this,
no matter what happens

This is her story.

- Jacquie Munro, Vancouver Doula
www.slowbirth.com
www.slowplanet.com

“Take no advice.. follow your own instincts.. use your own reason, to come to your own conclusions” – Virginia Woolf.

This week is shaping up to be “postpartum visit week.” Lots of wee boys (and their tired mums) to visit. I’ve also heard from clients whose babies range in age from three to eight months. We’ve discussed everything from sleep deprivation to “what the poo should look like.”

The major issue this week isn’t (thankfully) breast-feeding. Pretty much everyone is doing well and producing abundant quantities of breast milk. One client is even donating her extra milk to the Children’s Hospital Milk Bank, (604) 875-2345, ext. 7607. Another just phoned to say that, with the help of Renee Hefti-Graham (604-733-6359), her little girl finally latched successfully at six weeks and is doing so well! All the other babies are latching well, gaining weight, sleeping (at times) and peaceful (at times).

What seems to be causing anxiety this week is the overwhelming contradiction between a mother’s instincts and outside influences. Books, family, friends and complete strangers are undermining the mothering instinct for so many of my clients.

A client of a one month old was doing “just fine, thank you very much” until her sister gave her a book advocating strict scheduling of feeding and sleeping. After trying the suggestions for a few days, her baby was up every hour at night and no one was getting any rest. I asked her what her instincts told her to do…and she said, “To feed him when he wants, or when my breasts need relief, to pick him up when I feel like it, or when he cries, to carry him about, talk to him – whatever just feels right. But my family keep telling me that I’ll spoil him, and I find I’m second-guessing myself. It’s making me crazy!” Sounds sadly familiar…

Another client whose baby is three weeks old remembers being told to feed her baby every three hours. She found herself resisting the urge to feed her baby when he started crying every hour. Classic “three week” growth spurt symptoms! The baby was demanding more time at the breast in order to increase the mum’s milk supply. The only reason she resisted the urge was because of a comment made by the visiting health nurse weeks ago. Not trusting herself and her baby was leading to anxiety and conflict.

“But I just fed him!” is the common cry. Well, think of him like a 16 year old boy in the middle of the biggest growth spurt of his life. You’ve made dinner (which he wolfed down), and then, only an hour later, he’s hungry again! So he orders in a pizza. Then he miraculously grows 6 inches in a few months. Ahaa!

Newborn babies are just like that 16 year old boy. Their feeding patterns will vary from hour to hour and day to day. Sometimes they’ll pig out from 6-10pm (cluster feeding), and then the next afternoon they’ll sleep 3 hours. Problems only seem to arise once we start to throw our Type A controlling brain into the mix and start to analyze things.

“Hmmm…let’s see, well, he slept three hours after we were out all morning, so I should try that again.” No luck next time… Just like living in the moment works well in labour, so it works in the postpartum period. The newborn baby will be a changeable being every day. Trying to discern patterns in his behaviour during the newborn period is a futile attempt at control. Oh, and you can’t spoil him at this point.

When I had a newborn, I always reminded myself “to think like a cave woman.” No clocks, no books, no scheduling, no “shoulds.” I turned the clocks around so that I wouldn’t be able to remember how many times I was up in the night. I allowed the passing of the night to become fluid, a zen time of quiet movements and silent feeds. I threw away the hospital feeding / voiding chart and tried to pretend that this was my fifth child, and that I had faith in my body and my baby’s ability to work well. I threw away the bra pin – the one that was supposed to remind me which breast was next. I would gently “weigh” a breast to determine where my baby needed to latch (have him take the heaviest!). I would read novels and poetry and children’s books aloud during each feed. And if I continued to hold the baby in my arms between feeds, just for a little more quiet, and a good read for myself, then I wouldn’t feel guilty. And if I needed to turn on the fan or the vacuum cleaner, or dance around with my baby in my arms just to soothe him (every night), I didn’t think we had a problem. I just accepted it as necessary in that moment. And if I had to head out for a drive to UBC and back (all the while listening to CBC Ideas) just to settle an especially cranky little one…and then woke the baby while tripping up the stairs…I’d just laugh and ask my husband to do the rounds again.

Sure, there are mornings when you wake up and you feel less rested than when you went to bed. There are days when you sit all day at the computer, reading the UBC calendar, just to see what you could have been doing if you hadn’t had a baby this year. And sure, there are nights when you crumple into a sobbing heap because that sweet little baby STILL hasn’t fallen asleep. And there really are nights when you wonder what you were thinking having a baby! That’s when you need to gather all the amazing people around you who REALLY support you, who won’t undermine your instincts, who will tell it like it truly is, and still be there to help – without judgement or advice.

What you need is a group of like-minded souls who honour motherhood. So, give me a call first, then start attending mum’s groups, even if you think your baby is the most colicky baby possible. We will understand. I will remind you of the strength you showed in labour, how hilariously out of control this all is, and that you are at the beginning of an incredible learning curve, so you need to be gentle on yourself. I will remind you that your baby is like no other. Your little family is like no other. You need to find your OWN way through this parenting maze without judgement or expectation – and yes, it will be a roller-coaster for a while. You will arm yourself with friendship, laughter, music, dance, walks and sleep whenever you can find it. Then you will gradually slough off your old Type A controlled existence (ah, such a challenge) with as much grace as you can muster. Together, we will help you to build up your confidence, and build strong boundaries about your new family, so that inconsiderate remarks and unwanted advice don’t undermine your fragile world.

And at six weeks, or three months, or at eighteen months…you will be at a point where you can say. “Wow, that was a ride!” But, supported by all those around you, you will have made it to a place where you might even think about doing it all over again…Then, Hey – call me!

- by Jacquie Munro, Vancouver Doula

For other great breastfeeding articles click here.

I live in a bubble, working as I do with midwives and family doctors who respect the current research, dare to challenge hospital protocols, and fully respect their clients’ rights. I am fortunate to work in collaboration with caregivers who dare to wait, who only induce women if it is truly medically indicated (even if it causes a fuss with other staff!) In reality, this means I rarely see a woman face induction.

I am glad that I only work with caregivers who follow the best care practices. We work in concert with each woman and her body. Labours start on their own, women dance and move freely, women are continuously supported, women do not face regular interventions, women give birth standing, kneeling, or wherever they choose, and the women reach to pull the babies to their breasts.

In birth, we are not the keepers of the power, each woman’s body is. Yes, we have to do our homework and ensure that everything we do is supported by the best evidence. But, after a while, the 21st century knowledge is only a backdrop to the ancient truth of birth.

So, if a woman’s body is the tree, then the apple will fall, as it should, whenever it is ready, and will rest on soft safe ground. And the orchard keepers will be sitting, as they should, with their hands beneath them, in the shade of the tree. – Jacquie Munro, Vancouver Doula

To have an ideal first birth, a number of factors have to be firmly in place. A perfect example was recently outlined by a local midwife, who wrote “I know if I have a 28 year old woman who has not been sexually abused, who really wants to be pregnant and does so easily, is a successful artist working in a home studio, does no prenatal screening, eats healthily and exercises moderately and regularly, and plans a home birth with the support of her partner, that she is going to have a wonderful labour and birth.”  This hypothetical woman would have a strong sense of self, a willingness to make choices outside the societal norms, and would make the job of the doula and midwife look easy.

How do we help the woman who is over 35, perhaps embarking on this pregnancy on her own, or becomes pregnant shortly after entering a new relationship, or is finally pregnant after enduring years of fertility treatments? What if the woman has been subjected to emotional or physical abuse in her life, has been marginalized in her life or job, or is still struggling to define her boundaries?

In our current North American society, the nine months of pregnancy seem far too short to deal with all these issues. The woman often spends her pregnancy on an external journey of moving house or renovating, buying a new car, buying baby gear, fighting for maternity benefits, choosing and attending the right classes (prenatal, fitness, yoga, etc.), and preparing to entertain any number of visiting family during the postpartum period. Society places little priority on the inner journey of pregnancy.

Where is there time for introspection? Where is there time for long walks on the beach with wise women or a supportive partner? Where is there time to read novels that quietly address the emotional issues at hand? Where is there time to dance, to sing, to draw, to express the inner journey?

Perhaps the best preparation for birth is to use the nine months of pregnancy wisely. Relish this period, which bridges the gap between two dramatic stages in a woman’s life. Both literally and figuratively, take time to follow eastern philosophy and “breathe for the hollow organ.” Breathe in deeply, wait, be still, exhale, then wait for the body to take the next breath. Live in the moment. Listen to your body and get out of the fast lane of the 21st century.

This inner journey of pregnancy can be profound. If a woman listens to her inner wisdom, surrounds herself with strong women and men who will support her choices, honours her body’s need for stillness, and sees time as her ally, she may yet have the birth that she wishes. It can also change her entire outlook on life. And, ultimately, it can give her the confidence to raise children with grace, laughter and understanding.  by Jacquie Munro, Vancouver Doula